BOFH: WELCOME TO COLOSSAL SERVER ROOM ADVENTURE!! • The Register

Episode 15 It's time for our annual Health and Safety audit, which is a surprise in a couple of ways. First, we've never had an annual safety audit before, and second, it's now.

"That floor is open. Someone could fall down that," the HR H&S bloke points out.

"Yes, but only the two of us have access to the room and we were just working there," the PFY lies – the tile has been up for several weeks now.

"And that ladder, there's no cones around it."

"Again, locked room, two of us, currently working on it."

"But what if it was dark? Someone could fall down the hole or have the ladder fall on them – or both!"

"There's emergency lighting – and again, no one else has access in or out of the room."

"But what if the emergency lights failed? What if someone had an accident – one of you even – and you needed help?"

"We'd push the intercom button on the wall."

"What if – in the dark – you were moving to the intercom button but fell down the hole?"

"So... the lights would have to fail, the backup lights would have to fail, I'd have to forget where the ladder was and where the hole in the floor was. I'd have to forget I had a mobile phone, and... not be able to find the door to badge myself out of a room I've worked for around 20 years in?"

"It could happen!" the H&S guy says.

"Can I confer with my colleague outside for one moment?" the PFY asks, badging out of the room.

...

"You know what this sounds like?" the PFY asks

"A royal pain in the arse?" I reply.

"NO, it sounds exactly like a..."

WELCOME TO THE SERVER ROOM, HOME OF SYSTEMS ADMINISTRATORS!

Server Room

You are in a busy server room, surrounded by humming server racks of all kinds. Close by, you can see an open hole in the server room floor where a floor tile has been removed. To your west is a ladder.

To the south is an exit door that you have no access to open, and which is securely locked.

The lights have gone out.

The emergency lights flicker briefly, then also go out.

If you continue, you may fall into a hole in the floor.

> CRAWL N

Server Room

You are in a server room in complete darkness. Beside you, you can feel an extremely cold, and completely unlit server rack. From inside the rack you think you can hear the sound of many bottles of lager vibrating.

If you continue, you may fall into a hole in the floor.

> CRAWL N

Server Room

You are in a server room in complete darkness.

EXAMINE KEYS

You take your keys from your pocket and attempt to feel them in the almost total darkness. You feel your house key, your office key, 4 keys that open nothing – but which you keep to signify the importance of your Health and Safety role. Also on your keys is a small torch and a small penknife whose only purpose is to chew the bottom out of your trouser pocket.

LIGHT TORCH

The torch, a gift at a Health and Safety tradeshow many years ago, glows faintly, partially illuminating the immediate area.

> N

Server Room

There is a wall there.

> E

Server Room

You are in a server room in almost complete darkness.

> E

Server Room

You are in a server room in almost complete darkness. Immediately to your east you can feel a bench. Under the lip of the bench you can feel a tiny button.

PRESS BUTTON

A wall panel, hitherto seemingly solid, slides back.

> E

Comms Room

You are in a dimly lit comms room. There are cables all around you, lining floors and walls, protruding from racks and ceiling spaces. Many cables appear to date back to the days of thinwire ethernet and serial lines.

Behind you a panel quietly slides shut.

> E

Comms Room

You are in a dimly lit comms room. There are cables all around you.

> E

Comms Room

You are in a dimly lit comms room. There are cables all around you.

> W

Comms Room

You are in a dimly lit comms room. There are cables all around you.

> S

Comms Room

> E

Comms Room

> CUT CABLES WITH PENKNIFE

After a struggle you manage to cut a single cable, and nothing happens.

> CUT CABLE WITH PENKNIFE

You cut a cable, nothing happens. Perhaps all these cables are abandoned.

Your torch flickers ominously.

> E

Comms Room

> W

Comms Room

> W

Server Room

Your torch flickers briefly, then goes out.

You are in a server room in complete darkness.

If you continue, you may fall into a hole in the floor.

> W

Server Room

In the darkness you cannot see where you are going and fall into a hole, fracturing your tibia.

> N

Server Room

You manage to painfully drag yourself from the hole across some floor tiles.

In front of you, you can see a dimly backlit intercom button.

You accidentally nudge a ladder, which falls across your left hand, breaking all the fingers on that hand.

> PRESS INTERCOM

Pressed. A disembodied voice answers.

> SAY HELP

The server room lights go on and a figure enters.

In their rush to help you they accidentally step on your right hand. Twice. Breaking three of your fingers.

You have 1 finger and 2 thumbs left; do you wish to continue?

> NP

Sorry, I don't understand that.

> QUIT

You have scored 0 points out of a total possible points of 0. An ambulance has been called.

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